i put some new shoes on...

Paolo Nutini is right. It's funny how new shoes can suddenly make everything feel alright.

The sun finally came out this morning after several days of soggy rain. And this meant that Sienna could finally wear her brand new pink converse shoes. I don't know who was more excited, her or adam and i. At first glance in sears last week, we nearly squealed at the sight of this adorable footwear.

After a tough night last night, i felt a bit like a train wreck this morning, but i couldn't help but crawl out of bed long enough to capture this little girl's face on her way out the door as she rocked her new retro pink cons.

Not only are they exactly like the old-school cons we grew up wearing, but they are so pink - and so, well, Sienna.

girl tiger

For those of of you who have spoken to Sienna in the last month and heard about the infamous 'Girl Tiger', here she is.

C'mon, look at that face. If you've ever wondered what sheer joy looks like, just take a look at this girl (eh, Sienna, not the tiger).

But to fully understand why the girl has that permagrin, you have to start at the beginning.

You see, before Girl Tiger was a tangible, hug-able, furry, talking pink tiger, she was Sienna's imaginary friend. You needed only to look at Sienna's little hand and her fingers clenched to know that 'Girl Tiger' was with us. Sienna brought her everywhere in the house, to the store, out to dinner, you name it.

In fact, when Sienna is 16 and hates her dad for something he won't let her do, i'll have to remember to tell her the story of the time that she freaked out (and i mean FREAKED out) in the parking lot outside of Cheesecake Factory because we (somehow "we" were all responsible for this invisible pet) forgot girl tiger inside.

I being 9 months pregnant, cold, and confident in my superior wit, said "oh no we didn't - look! she's right here" (holding out my clenched hand). Sienna wasn't buying it and proceeded to cry.Her wonderful dad took her by the hand and said, it's "ok honey, let's go see if we can find her." I watched the two of them hold hands as they traipsed back across the dark, cold parking lot and into the restaurant.

i waited...and waited.

After 15 minutes, the two of them came strutting out. sienna's hand was clenched, and i knew they had found her. All was well in the world again.

So it was only natural when Gran and Papa decided to take Sienna to create her very own, luxurious Build a Bear, she decided on this pink tiger (well, we all know it's really a leopard, but try telling that to Sienna and see how far it gets you...)

So there you have it - the reason behind that incredible smile. How often does an imaginary friend get to come to life? The girl has it good... (both of them)

love where you are

a good friend of mine introduced me to a lovely idea. each year she decides on a single word that will define the year ahead. i love the simplicity of this notion, and the potential it has to keep me focused on achieving some aspect of growth or self-improvement, etc.

i've thought long and hard about what my word for this year should be, and none have seemed quite right. anyone who knows me well realizes how challenged i am to reduce anything down to a single word (much less a word that is to encompass the direction of my life for an entire year). so i've modified this little activity to suit me.

my phrase for this year is: love where you are

i've always been inspired and intrigued by the practice of "mindfulness" in Buddhism. this is the beautifully simple notion of being fully present in every moment, and reveling in the sweet details of even the smallest of our experiences.

i want to be present this year. i want to give myself the gift of truly surrendering to each experience and understanding that there is beauty and joy and learning and growth in every moment (good and bad).

last year was intense. i had so many wonderful (and some not so wonderful) experiences that pushed my limits physically, mentally and emotionally. and as i look back on it all, i am very grateful for last year. but what i regret most is how much i found myself wishing i were doing something else. during the first couple months, wishing i were pregnant, during the last several months, wishing i weren't; wishing work were less intense, wishing family life were less intense; wishing i were traveling, wishing i wasn't traveling; you get the point.

and amidst all that wishing, i failed to realize and enjoy the fullness of the moments i was actually living.

so this year is about loving where i am. whether it is during the two hurried hours i spend with sienna at night in our crazy little family room surrounded by toys; during a brief intimate conversation with adam as we traipse around our bathroom getting ready for the day; during a weary-eyed 3 am feeding with olivia; taking in a quiet sunrise during one of my runs; sitting at my desk writing another creative brief or traversing the switchbacks on an 8000 ft yosemite hike, i have to remember - to love where i am in that moment. it is the only moment that matters.

this woman

i spent the last 11 days enveloped in the love of my mom. this woman has been through and seen it all. and despite a life riddled with challenges, she has the most remarkable spirit. a spirit so vibrant, that it radiates from her, like light or heat filling a room. in chinese tradition, this is called chi - or life force. the energy a person exudes - it is remarkable and real.

what do i mean...

if you've ever been to a wake and stood next to a corpse, you will understand what i mean - the absence of this chi or life force is palpable. there is a coldness, a sterility, an emptiness - because the chi is gone - the body is there, but the life force is no longer.

it has only been a few days since she left and already i miss her life force in this house. the chi is gone.

i am so grateful for this woman. she teaches me to take life a little less seriously, and find the joy in every moment.

i miss the laughter, the sarcasm, the knowing glances and unspoken thoughts that sent us both into uncontrolable fits of laughter.

you know the laughter i'm talking about?

it's the kind of laughter that requires you to hold on to your stomach so tightly as to prevent your side from (literally) splitting in two. the kind of laughter that is so overpowering, you are physically forced to double over beneath its weight. the kind where your whole body stiffens and there is no sound - just dramatic contorting of your face, and occassional gasps of air as sheer joy fills every cavity of your body.

falling awake

it's been two weeks since this little blessing came into the world, and two weeks since i have slept more than 2 1/2 hours in a row. all of this no sleeping is definitely taking its toll on us. but i'm trying to be patient and believe everyone when they say 'it will get better soon'. you'd think this were our first time doing this, i just don't remember feeling this run down and out of sorts. and maybe that's intentional. i have to believe that there would be far fewer second children in the world if moms and dad's had vivid recollections of those sleepless first few weeks (yawn).

a good papa...

i was sitting on the couch a few days ago with a friend who had come by to see olivia. sienna was her usual talkative self , pointing out who everyone was in the room. she looked over at adam's dad and said, "he's a good papa". my heart nearly melted.

it's true. he is a good papa.

from the moment sienna was born, these two have shared a special bond. he gets right into her world and seems perfectly happy there spending hours with his *princess*.

Our newest love, Olivia Marley Keigwin

born december 28, 10:43 am, 7lbs 2oz, 18inches

enjoy the ride

home sweet home

I left the hospital Sunday afternoon, and it is so nice to be back at home. olivia "slept" with us in the hospital (note the "_" - cause really - neither of us slept that much) and the only thing i could digest was water and jello, so really, there was no advantage to staying there.

Mom arrived on Sunday, too, and what a huge help she's been, i don't know what i would do with out her. cooking, cleaning, laundry, diapers, up and down the stairs for us...

I'm in lot of pain and not sure what the days ahead will bring. breastfeeding has been a challenge and staying up around the clock feedings is making it pretty hard to adjust, but i have to say, my lack of sleep and all the other physical unpleasantries (that i forgot about!) are washed away when i look into those eyes...